Spirituality, Sex, and Banishing Shame

By Melissa Coats, LPC

Generations of women have been assured by the church that if they follow the purity rules and saved their sexualities for their husbands, they would be rewarded with a fulfilling marriage and a satisfying sex life. Promise rings leading to promises of the picture perfect marriage! Yet an overwhelming number of these women get to their wedding night full of hope, only to be disappointed, confused, stressed and in pain.

If this describes your experience, let me be perfectly clear…

You. Are. Not. Alone.

There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You.

Hard to believe? There is a reason for that. Sexual shame causes the urge to hide and deal with feelings in private. The thought of someone confirming the negative thoughts that something is wrong or finding out you are all alone with this problem can feel devastating. So most women don’t say anything and suffer in silence while trying every trick the internet has to offer to increase their sex drive.

So let’s shed some light on this issue so we can uplift each other as women and not feel so alone and confused. With accurate information, support, and a growing understanding of female sexuality, it is possible to lead a satisfying sex AND spiritual life. 

On January 28th, we are going to talk about the common harmful messages about sex, why they have had such a strong impact, and what to do with all that information. We will discover why brain function and body development don’t always line up with the strict rules of purity culture and how to use brain chemistry in our favor.

Spirituality and sexuality do not have to be mutually exclusive. You do not have to give up one for the other. Both are important parts of your identity and make up the whole, magnificent person you were created to be.

Sex After Kids

By Melissa Coats, LPC

Having kids changes everything. And sex is no exception. With all the joy that kids bring into a couples’ life, most couples also fear how a growing family will affect emotional and sexual intimacy. This is normal! And the good news is that it is ok for your sex life to change after kids.

In the last blog post, we talked about how pressure and “shoulds” can affect sexual desire. One of the most significant barriers to a satisfying sex life after kids is the reluctance to allow sex and intimacy to change and be flexible throughout a relationship. I hear many couples comparing their sex life to what it was when they first met. Sex at the beginning of the relationship tends to become the “standard” for what we expect sex to look like throughout the relationship. The problem with this notion is that sex and sexuality are fluid and constantly changing! Although that may sound scary, it is actually very healthy.

People change. Circumstances change. We age. We go through periods of bliss and periods of grief. To expect sex to remain the same throughout all of the ups and downs and changes in life is unrealistic and can be very discouraging – which is an enemy of sexual desire! What works for you at 25 will most likely not work the same way at 68. What is pleasurable before pregnancy may not be as pleasurable after. But the good news is that sexual satisfaction can be available in every stage of life. The key is managing expectations.

When couples talk about their struggles with sex after kids, one of the first things I like to work on is normalizing change in the sexual relationship. Stop comparing your sex life now to the one you had 10 years ago. Even one year ago. It’s ok that it is different! Just because it doesn’t work the same way it did, doesn’t mean there aren’t other options for making it work now.

The second thing I like to do is work on managing expectations. If you are expecting sex every day after a newborn has just arrived, you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment! It’s normal to experience a lull after a baby arrives. It’s typical to experience periods of less sex sometimes in a relationship even without children! It doesn’t have to stay that way, but being flexible in your expectations about sex is vital. Allow yourself to be flexible and not resist changes in your sex life. Many couples are much happier and more satisfied when they can allow their sex lives to change with their bodies, life circumstances, and relationships.

We look forward to diving into this issue more in our upcoming workshop, Sex With The Lights On, coming Thursday, October 15th, from 8-9:30. Please bring your questions on this topic and any other topic related to sex!

When One Partner Wants Sex, And The Other Doesn’t

By Melissa Coats, LPC

We’ve all heard the typical story – new couples get together and have amazing, life-changing sex…at first. Then as the relationship progresses, sex becomes more complicated. One partner wants more, the other seems to lose interest. We call this desire discrepancy, and it is a pretty common problem to deal with in a relationship. And contrary to popular belief, it can happen for couples early in the relationship as well.

Many couples experience desire discrepancy and think that it is an issue with compatibility or that it is an indication that the relationship is in trouble. Although this may be true for some, desire discrepancy can be caused by many things. But the root of most reasons I hear from my clients as to why they experience this discrepancy is pressure. We tend to put a lot of pressure on sex…what it should be, how often we should have sex, what it should feel like, how we should be able to perform, and the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is pressure and the “shoulds” are the enemies of desire. Pressure means that we start to see sex as more of a checklist of what a legitimate sexual experience should be rather than being able to focus on the experience of enjoying your body and the body of your partner. This happens most commonly for couples when we think of sex as strictly intercourse or orgasm. When couples begin to expect these things from every sexual encounter, they end up chasing the checklist (intercourse or orgasm) and find themselves unable to be present in the moment with their partner.

Here are some other ways pressure shows up and how the internal dialogue sounds:

• “Why can’t I seem to have an orgasm? No one else I know has this problem. What is wrong with me?”

• “Sex shouldn’t be painful. I must be doing something wrong.”

• “I should be able to last way longer than that. What if she expects me to last longer than I can?”

• “We used to have sex at least a couple of times a week. We should be doing it way more often.”

When I see couples with a desire discrepancy, I first normalize that what they are experiencing is not uncommon! The media, movies, TV, and books have distorted our view of “normal” in a sexual relationship. They have contributed to all of the pressure around sex and made couples believe that if they do not fit the unattainable “norm” they show on the screen, something is wrong with the individual or the relationship. Not true!

Second, I invite couples to consider what sex means to them. Let’s broaden the definition of what contributes to a satisfying sexual experience. It is not limited to intercourse and orgasm! There is so much more to sex that tends to get overlooked.

We look forward to diving into this issue more in our upcoming workshop, Sex With The Lights On, coming Thursday, October 15th, from 8-9:30.

Three Tips for Managing your Emotions

Many of us with kids have started the dreaded digital learning/homeschooling! How has that been going? I won't lie...I am feeling the STRESS of being in a pandemic, digital learning, and life in general. I have made it a point to take a step back and take care of my mental wellbeing. I joined a therapeutic parenting group that meets on Wednesdays and I am excited to be meeting my therapist! Virtually of course...What have you been doing to take care of yourself?

I am going to offer you three tips to take care of yourself and deal with the stress that has taken up residence in many of our lives!  When we take care of our emotional wellbeing, we are simultaneously taking care of our marriage and family. We cannot take care of others well if we do not take care of ourselves. 

• Make time and space for yourself...There are 24 hours in a day...Can you give yourself 1 hour of time to simply attend to yourself without attending to someone else, planning for tomorrow, working or taking care of something around the house. I know, our to do list is ENDLESS…Which is why we need to have a hard stop! Otherwise we will run ourselves into the ground trying to do more than the day allows. We can't begin to do anything for ourselves unless we are intentionally creating space for ourselves. If you struggle with this, email me...I will gladly help you!

• Just Breathe...OK, I know some of you just balked when I said take one hour for yourself...Like where do we find one hour!? How about 5 minutes? Can you give yourself 5 minutes? Spend 5 minutes every day simply focusing on your breath...nothing else...if random thoughts come into your mind, simply notice it without judgement and return to focusing on your breath. You can count each inhale and exhale and each time a thought enters your mind you start over. See if you can make it to 10! It takes A LOT of practice to get there...trust me, I am not there yet...Thoughts comes in my mind before I say 2...and then I am back to one! 

• Ice-Water - If you are REALLY OVERWHELMED and ANGRY dipping your hand or body in ice-water will immediately reduce the intensity of how overwhelmed you feel. Your heart-rate will instantly decrease and you would be able to get your "thinking brain" back online...Once we are angry or overwhelmed emotionally our "thinking brain" goes offline and our "emotional brain" takes over...This is our nature by God's design and is meant to protect us when we are threatened...However many times we are not in a real life or death situation and therefore we need to be able regulate ourselves. 

Let me know what you think in the comments! As always, please share this blog and Authentic Marriages with a friend! We are working really hard to get our names out in the community as a resource for couples! We appreciate you for being part of the team and helping us :). 

Porn and the Coronavirus

So, I saw a couple articles recently that really caught my attention. Marital conflict is going up for many couples as the Coronavirus situation unfolds and now that many people are stuck at home, porn use is skyrocketing. Troubling as it may be, this isn’t surprising at all. In fact, I believe the increase in couples’ conflict is a primary fuel for increased porn use, especially amongst men.  

Think about it, as we try to keep ourselves and communities safe we are now spending far more time in our homes with few opportunities to decompress. That increases stress, which leads to friction which eventually leads to outright conflict. And with no quick end in sight, the situation becomes even more stressful. Unfortunately for many men (and some women), the way they deal with conflict, is through porn use. 

 Porn provides an emotional release that few things can match. It taps into our desires to be wanted, to escape into fantasy while avoiding an unpleasant reality and is a space where there is no conflict. For us men especially, that can be a powerful lure which can lead to long-term entrapment. So as men what can we do to try to avoid or get off this path? 

 As with all things of importance, prayer should be our starting point, because if God can’t help you with a situation who can?? 

After this, small but practical changes have to be made: 

1. When things are peaceful (and kids in bed!). Have a “clear the air” talk with your wife, simply acknowledging the stress that she, the family and yourself are currently under (in that order!) and how unprecedented the situation is. Simply putting it out there can be very helpful.

2. Give yourself and your significant other GRACE throughout this time. Extra patience and kindness can go a LONG WAY.

3. Be careful how you spend your time on your devices, making sure that you give yourself time and content limits for yourself. 

Try to stay connected with male friends: Many men struggle in this area but it is so critical. Our isolation from other men oftentimes exacerbates whatever troubles we are dealing with as we get trapped in an echo chamber of our own thoughts. Talk/text with other guys regularly to help you cope, vent and pray for you. If you have someone you really trust, they can also help keep you accountable with what you are watching

Cabin Fever

So, the Corona virus is here! As we go through this unprecedented situation, many of us have had to make major changes in our schedules and our kids’ schedules. Many people are anxious (reflected in all the missing toilet paper at stores and hand sanitizer seemingly becoming precious gems!), for many parents stuck at home, cabin fever is already setting in. 

Being stuck at home with kids if you aren’t used to that can be a very trying experience. Of course, things could be worse and is worse for some out there who are actually infected and attempting to recover. 

For the rest of us though, we have to find some way to get through the next few weeks (months ?!!) sanity intact. As expected conflict is being stirred up between parents and their kids as they try to get through the worst stay at home vacation ever conceived! However, things are also popping off between spouses with one or both parents being forced to stay home all day with the kids. It’s like an extended road trip with no end in sight, aggravation sets in! 

So, what can we do in unprecedented times like these? Many will be tempted to simply binge watch tv or spend countless hours on social media. Though there’s nothing wrong with enjoying some time on these platforms, spending countless hours doing these things can easily backfire. 

Outside of the fact that social media for many has become a treasure trove of fear mongering, we know from studies that continuous use of social media, TV or video games can make you more anxious and depressed, so moderation is key! Instead we need to do daily practices that improve our mental health not simply occupy our time. 

 Spending a few minutes, a day doing mindfulness/relaxation activities can provide significant benefit:

• Apps like Calm, Breethe and Headspace are easy to use and helpful. They have brief deep breathing exercises, guided meditations and other mindfulness-based exercises.

• Get your kids doing some kids yoga exercises on Youtube like this one here.

• Of course, prayer can be of significant help and meditating on soothing/calming scriptures can go a long way towards helping us having a healthier view of our situation! Check out this guided meditation here!

No matter what you choose to do, do something healthy for yourself and your kids. The effort put out in these areas will go a long way towards us all getting through this situation, mental health intact!